Journal #10 - 5/01/2016

So the week started off with my CT scan yesterday to check my sinuses.  I spent the night before feeling a little anxious as not ever having had a CT scan I thought I might have to go in that tunnel thing.  I have panic attacks when I think of being confined to a small space… So you can bet the scariest thing for me ever would to be buried alive!!
Luckily when I got to the clinic the machine was more like a donut thing so was very relieved that I would not feel trapped.  I also found out the tunnel thing is called an MRI lol.

Next I had to go for my blood test and nose swap and conveniently the pathology place was right next to where I had the CT scan done.  Had to wait probably 40 minutes as they were under staffed and had a full waiting room of people.  That’s the trouble when I have to go outside my home town for these things, the closer you get to the city the busier it is!  But glad I had the tests done and now wait for my February appointment with my allergist to find out my results.

The last two days I have had a burst of energy so yesterday after attending my medical appointments I went to the supermarket, the pet store to get kitty litter and then came home to do some housework and two loads of washing.  I have been sleeping in a bit over the holidays too.  Last Christmas holidays I was working so was going to bed by 10 and didn’t get to stay up late with Allie and then I was up at 7 getting ready for work and wouldn’t be home til about six o’clock that night.  It’s really been nice having that time with her before she starts high school.

Then today another burst of energy so I cleaned my bathroom, vaccumed and cleaned car and swept front and back yard.  I feel so accomplished.  It’s definitely been a productive and positive start to the year!

Over the weekend I had my letterbox broken some dumb ass thought it would a good idea to target mine and my neighbours letterboxes.  I emailed my real estate first thing Monday morning and then they called me back in the afternoon and left a message to let me know that the landlords have organised a handyman to come out and replace it.  It’s Tuesday night and still no new letterbox.  Hopefully something is done tomorrow because if I haven’t heard anything by the end of the week I’m calling the real estate to find out what the hell is going on.
You may remember me posting a journal a little while ago about my “loose cannon” of an uncle and how we haven’t spoken.  Well my mum was talking to my pa about how he went to see my uncle and it seemed he wanted to bury the hatchet.  My pa suggested that if anyone would be able to reach out to him it would be her.  My mum (as I have probably mentioned many times before) is the sweetest human being I know and she has such a gentle way of speaking to people.  So upon my mum informing me of her chat to my pa she did indeed call my uncle to wish him a happy new year.  Luckily he still had the same number as when she called (he didn’t answer) his voice mail came up.  He did end up calling her the next morning and they chatted a bit.  There were no apologies given as what is done is done and it’s time to move on.  I ended up messaging my uncle through FB on Friday I think to wish him a happy new year.  He hasn’t responded but I’m not sure whether he has seen it but hasn’t read it or hasn’t realised he has a message as I am not friends with him so he would have to accept my message.  Regardless of that the main thing is, is that I messaged him and want a fresh start.  Tired of all the BS in my life want a fresh start.

I found a new TV show on Netflix – From Dusk Til Dawn.  It’s great but there were only 10 episodes in Season one and I’ve already watched them all and I only started watching it two days ago haha.  When I find a good tv show I go with it!  Wilmer Valderrama is in it and he is nothing like his character Fez on That 70’s Show.  Fortunately enough I don’t have long to wait for Season two as I just looked online and it’s coming to Netflix January 25th. Yessss!

My friend who I worked with has asked Allie and I down to her holiday van in a place called Dromana.  We are headed down Thursday and I think the weather is clearing too so should be nice to get down to the beach and maybe grab some fish and chips yummy.

And lastly I decided to do my nails this afternoon, I just buy the cheap glue on ones from Kmart (I can get a 100 for $14!) but once you put a coat of paint on them they look nice and usually last on me for a week sometimes longer.  I bought a red nail polish from the pharmacy yesterday I loved the colour and was really happy it was a Rimmel brand as I only use the 60 second dry stuff.


My fingers look retarted lol.
I hate waiting for nail polish to dry, ain’t nobody got time for that!

I hope you all have yourselves a fantastic week!

Fruit 'n' Greens smoothie



* 1 cup of spinach leaves
* 1/4 cup cucumber slices
* 1/2 cup banana (fresh or frozen)
* 1/2 cup of pineapple (fresh, canned or frozen)
* 1/2 cup vanilla yoghurt
* 1/2 cup juice (any kind)
3-4 ice cubes

Pack all ingredients, except for the ice cubes, into the tall cup in the order they are listed. Attach the cross blade and blend until well combined. Open the cup, add the ice cubes, reattach the blade and blend until smooth.

Breakfast of champions!! It's really yummy and good for you who would have thought!

A bit of fun.

Stolen from banderils

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Definitely more content than I am now.

Was a person the reason you last cried?
No it was more feeling overwhelmed about a few things.

Were you single 6 months ago?
Sure was ;) #foreveralone.

Are you wearing something gray?

If someone were to call you right now, who would it probably be?
My mum or eldest daughter

What were you doing at 3pm?
Picking my youngest daughter up from school.

What was the last thing you bought for less than a dollar?
A pack of tissues.

How many phone contacts do you have under the letter 'A'?
Two – One my daughter and the other my brother in-law.

Do you speak any foreign languages?

Was your last kiss in the last 24 hours?
Yes, my daughter kissing me on the cheek before school.

Who was the last person in your bed?
Do cats count? Cos I always have two of them in my bed.

How old will you be in 6 months?

Have you had an alcoholic beverage in the last 24 hours?
No. Don’t drink unless special occasion.

Are you currently in school?

Name three yellow objects within your view:
Flowers on my bed quilt, daisy on my head band and a can of eucalyptus spray.

Who was the last person you called?
My mum.

Who was the last person to call you?
My mum lol.

Do you own a car newer than a 2002?
Yes. 2005 model.

Are you a natural blonde?
I’m naturally a dark blonde.

Pick up the nearest book to you, turn to page 8 and type the 1st sentence:
A long line at the check in and strange new.

Turn on your mp3 player, what song is playing?
Downtown – Macklemore

Do you believe in horoscopes?

What day was it 2 days ago?

What did you do that day?
Main things I did was - Dropped off/picked up my daughter from high school orientation, Updated my LJ, Spoke to my mum, went to doc apt.

Is there something bothering you right now?
No not really pretty chilled tonight.

How's your heart?
Alive and kicking… I hope.

Do you know how to make hemp jewellery?
Nope, if it’s fiddly I wouldn’t bother don’t have much patience for fiddly stuff.

Would you rather read minds or see the future?
Neither - You might not like what you see.

Is your hair longer than your shoulders?
No but I wish it was shoulder length again. It’s growing…. Slowly.

Who was the last person you were in a car with?
My youngest daughter.

Do you give people second chances?
Depends on the person and the situation. I have been known to give third and fourth and fifth chances but that is becoming an endangered species I get burned too many times giving people chances.

How are things between you and your most recent ex?
I don’t talk to him at all and I’m happy about that. (That isn’t my children’s father btw).

What does your name mean?
Kellie means: War, Lively, Aggressive.

Have you been to a wedding this year?

Are you an aunt or uncle?
I'm an Auntie of two boys.

It's Saturday, 11pm, where are you most likely to be?
Either on my recliner watching tv/movie or in bed watching youtube videos.

Are you engaged?

Do you have a stepmom?

Do you know anyone named Amber?

How many siblings do you have?
Two – An older brother and younger sister.

Who was the last person to leave you a comment?

What do you think of that person?

Was today better than yesterday?
Yes, I was more productive.

Do you expect to be married in the next 2 years?
Eww no way, I have been there done that.

What season is your birthday in?
Autumn (or I think fall for some of you).

Have you ever been hunting?
It's something I would never do!

If you open the nearest drawer to you, what do you see?
My underwear LOL.

Who was your kindergarten teacher?
Can’t remember.

Where do you go when you want to be alone?
My bedroom or my home office.

How's life on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the best)?
6 or 7.

Journal #5 - Psoriasis Argh!!

For anyone who suffers from a skin condition like eczema or psoriasis you will know how frustrating it can be.  I too am a psoriasis sufferer and have had it for about 10 years.  When I first had it, spots would appear and then disappear after sometime.  My left elbow is the only spot on my body where the psoriasis has continued to attack since I began getting it.

The past 12 - 18 months have been the worst and I now have it on my scalp, under breast, on stomach, leg. behind and in ears (what I know of anway).  My scalp is the worst and I have been put on so many shampoos, conditioners, creams, solutions and nothing has worked.

In addition to the psoriasis I have eye allergies - flaky eyelids, itchy watery and sometimes sore red sores.  I have been put on eye ointment and drops and luckily I have kept it at bay.  I have the odd flare up but I believe I have my eyes pretty much under control.  I cannot look at a computer, my iPhone or iPad for too long as that can aggravate my eyes aswell.  Even certain places that have air conditioning can set off my eyes.  Not much fun but I have just had to accept it for what it is but I do need to do something about it.

I know my cats don't help my situation because I sneeze occasionally when they are around and my youngest cat got spooked by a noise the other week and she scratched me which turned into welts on my legs and were extremely itchy.  I spoke to my doctor last week and asked if I can be referred to an allergist so I can have a test done to advised what I'm most allergic to and hopefully can desensitize me.  But one thing is for sure I cannot get rid of my furry babies!!

I sometimes joke about it when people ask about my psoriasis or eyes I just respond with "I'm allergic to life".  But in all seriousness it has become a real annoyance in my day to day life.  How I miss the days of having a shower and getting dressed without having to apply creams to my scalp and rubbing creams into spots of psoriasis on my body before I can get dressed.  Even makeup is a no no these days as my eyes flare up immediately.  I have had tests done regarding food and I'm not lactose or wheat intolerant thank goodness, but I'm seriously concerned that I may be headed down that road if I don't try to desentitize myself.  I know that my weight is also an issue and probably aggravates my symptoms as I'm around the 110 kg (not sure what that is in pounds) and it is so much harder to lose as I'm getting older.

I purchased a couple of creams (below pics) from my nearby Chemist Warehouse.  The coco scalp was highly recommended and the skin cream was just a curiosity thing. I have to put the scalp cream on and leave it for an hour prior to washing my hair and the other cream goes on about 2 - 3 times a day.  Fingers crossed X.
On another subject I'm putting my Christmas Tree up tomorrow as it's the 1st December.  Seriously where has this year gone?? I opted for a fibre optic tree this year I have always had a "fake" tree and decorate it, but this year I just cannot be bothered.  My youngest daughter is twelve, it's her second year without believing in Santa and really doesn't care for all the effort I used to go to, to make it festive.  And to be honest as much as I love Christmas I just don't have it in me this year to go all out.  I will probably decorate my dining table like I normally do and hang the stockings and place the odd ornament here and there but going to be not as much as past years.

I'm looking forward to wrapping the presents over the next few days and placing them under the tree.  I am going out in the morning to do the last of my Christmas shopping - a present for my mum :).  I have organised with my dad to go out together and we will split the cost so we can get her something really good.  It's our first Christmas without my nana and I know it's going to hit my mum pretty hard so want to make it extra special for her.

But on that note I think I will leave it there,  I hope you have a great week and enjoy whatever it is you get up to.

Until next time... Much love,

HummingBird x

100 Questions - Get to know me challenge.

So I thought for a change I would do something a little different.  I found a quiz online - *100 Questions about me* so I thought it would be fun and the chance to get to know a little about me - other than the stuff you may already know from my recent journal entries.  Feel free to have a go if you want to :)

So here goes...

1. Who is your hero? -
Anyone who is going through a rough patch in life but keeps pushing.

2. If you could live anywhere, where would it be? -

3. What is your biggest fear? -
Being alone from the people I care about the most.

4. What is your favourite family vacation? -
Anywhere there is sun, sand and fun.

5. What would you change about yourself if you could? -
Reacting to people's nasty comments about me or others.  I need to always strive to be the bigger person.
6.What really makes you angry? -
Parents that neglect their children or people that neglect/harm animals.

7. What motivates you to work hard? -

8. What is your favourite animal? -
Cats (Love my fur babies <3)

9. What is your favourite meal? -
Lemon and herb chicken and salad.

10. What is your proudest accomplishment? -
Raising my children (I know it sounds corny and cliched but it's true)

11. What is your child's proudest accomplishment? -
That I am their mother haha. (but seriously I have no idea)

12. What is your favourite book to read? -
I'm not a big reader but I do enjoy reading things that teach me something I didn't know about a person, place, time in history, animal etc etc.

13. What makes you laugh the most?
My cats play fighting. It is the funniest thing to see and never gets old!

14. What was the last movie you went to? -
What did you think? Jurassic World.  Loved it !!

15. What did you want to be when you were small? -
A teacher or an actor.

16. What does your child want to be when he/she grows up? -
My eldest a beautician and my youngest a music journalist

17. If you could choose to do anything for a day what would it be? -

18. What is your favourite game or sport to watch and play? -
Ten pin bowling (but I'm craptacular at it!)

19. Would you rather ride a bike, ride a horse or drive a car? -
Bike for sure.

20. What would you sing at a Karaoke night? -
Anything and everything.

21. What two radio stations do you listen to in the car the most? -
Smooth FM and Nova (Australian radio stations)

22. Which would you rather do: Wash dishes, mow the lawn, clean the bathroom or vaccuum the house? -

23. If you could hire someone to help you, would it be to clean, cook or yard work? -
Definitely yard work as I have to do everything around the house and having a break from the weeding, pruning, trimming and mowing would be a dream!

24. If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? -
Lemon and herb chicken and salad.

25. Who is your favourite author? -
Don't really have one as I'm not an avid reader.

26. Have you ever had a nickname? what is it? -
My kids call me Mama Bear.

27. Do you like or dislike surprises? Why or why not? -
Like you might end up missing out on something fantastic.

28. In the evening, would you rather play a game, visit a relative, watch a movie or read? -
Watch a movie.

29. Would you rather vacation in Hawaii or Alaska and why? -
I would say Hawaii as I can have my sun, sand and fun vacation.

30. Would you rather win the lottery or work at the perfect job? And why? -
Win the lottery so then I could run my own business with my earnings and have my perfect job. Win win!!

31. Who would you want to be stranded with on a deserted island? -
James Franco.

32. If money was no object, what would you do all day? -

33. If you could go back in time, what year would you travel to? -
My start of high school in 1992 so I could study harder and take it more seriously than I did.

34. How would your friends describe you? -
Funny and kind.

35. What are your hobbies? -
Bike riding, gym (when I go), LJ (now of course) and writing.

36. What is the best gift you have been given? -
My children.

37. What is the worst gift you have received? -
A child's board game from my aunty (who had no idea) when I was 17.

38. Aside from necessities, what one thing could you not go a day without? -
Getting a hug from my 12 year old daughter.  She has hugged me everyday since she was little.

39. List two pet peeves? -
People who don't use manners and bad drivers.

40. Where do you see yourself in five years? -
Hitting my forties and hopefully loving life.

41. How many pair of shoes do you own? -
Probably about 10 but I only wear max 3 or 4.

42. If you were a super-hero, what powers would you have? -
I would have one super power that would enable me to do or have anything at anytime.

43. What would you do if you won the lottery? -
Buy a house and new car and take a holiday somewhere warm and sunny.

44. What form of public transport do you prefer? (air, boat, train, bus, car, etc.) -
My car strictly for the convenience.

45. What's your favourite zoo animal? -

46. If you could go back in time to change one thing, what would it be? -
I would have been a lot more independent when I was married.

47. If you could share a meal with any individuals, living or dead, who would they be? -
My nana, Jim Morrison, James Franco and Johnny Depp.

48. How many pillows do you sleep with? -

49. What's the longest you've gone without sleep (and why?) -
When I was younger I used to average around hours of sleep every night due to anxiety.

50. What's the tallest building you've been to the top in? -
The Rialto Tower in Melbourne, Australia.

51. Would you rather trade intelligence for looks or looks for intelligence? -
Looks for intelligence.

52. How often do you buy clothes? -
Maybe every six months or so.

53. Have you ever had a secret admirer?
No not that I know of anyway. I've had admirers but they I have always known they liked me.

54. What's your favourite holiday? -
Anywhere with my kids or parents.

55. What's the most daring thing you've ever done? -
Sexual intercourse in a movie theatre when I was 18 - I was young and stupid.

56. What was the last thing you recorded on TV? -
Scream Queens (don't judge me lol)

57. What was the last book you read? -
Fifty shades of grey series.

58. What's your favourite type of foreign food? -

59. Are you a clean or messy person? -

60. Who would you want to play you in a movie of your life? -
Dakota Fanning.

61. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? -
Around 30 - 45 minutes.

62. What kitchen appliance do you use every day? -

63. What's your favourite fast food chain? -
La Porchetta (Italian restaurant)

64. What's your favourite family recipe? -
Swiss roast.

65. Do you love or hate rollercoasters? -

66. What's your favourite family tradition? -
My daughters and I catching up once a week and chatting about our week.

67. What is your favourite childhood memory? -
Sitting in the loungeroom with my family watching TV together.

68. What's your favourite movie? -
Little Miss Sunshine.

69. How old were you when you learned Santa wasn't real? How did you find out? -
I was 11 and I sort of just had a feeling one day so questioned my mum.  I remember she was ironing at the time and we had a thorough discussion. She admitted that it had been her the whole time.

70. Is your glass full or half empty? -
Half full.

71. What's the craziest thing you've done in the name of love? -

72. What three items would you take with you on a deserted island? -
My iPad, chocolate and Pj's.

73. What was your favourite subject at school? -
It's a tie between Drama and English.

74. What's the most unusual thing you've ever eaten? -
Not really unusual but I tried a cheese and beetroot sandwich once.  It was pretty good!

75. Do you collect anything? -
Apart from cat hair all over my house... No.

76. Is there anything you wished would come back into fashion? -
This is food related - When I was about nine or ten years old in the late 80's my mum used to buy these individually wrapped loganberry pies from the supermarket.  On school holidays my sister and I were treated to a pie after our lunch.  They were amazing and still to this day I have not tried a pie of any flavour that comes close to that one.  I wish they would bring it back sadly it was discontinued off shelves back in the early 90's.  RIP yummy loganberry pie!

77. Are you an Introvert or Extrovert? -

78. Which of the five senses would you say is your strongest? -

79. Have you ever had a surprise party? -

80. Are you related or distantly related to anyone famous? -

81. What do you do to keep fit? -
Bike ride and gym (when I can be bothered doing either)

82. Does your family have a "motto" - spoken or unspoken? -
Just be there for each other when needed.

83. If you were ruler of your own country what would be the first law you would introduce? -
Here in Australia it is compulsory to vote so the first law I would implement is that it is NOT compulsory to vote.

84. Who was your favourite teacher in school and why? -
I studied a medical terminology class back in 2013 along with my business admin course and the teacher we had was excellent.  She explained everything in a way that the class could understand.  She was firm but fair.  Had a lot of time and respect for her.

85. What three things do you think of the most each day? -
How I'm feeling, what I need to do and why is there not enough hours in a day.

86. If you had a warning label, what would yours say? -
Handle with care.

87. What song would you say best sums you up? -
Down Under - Men at Work.

88. What celebrity would you like to meet at Starbuck's for a cup of coffee? -
James Franco.

89. Who was your first crush? -
Edward Furlong from Terminator 2 in 1992.

90. What's the most interesting thing you can see out of your office or kitchen window? -
A rose bush in my neighbours property.  It catches my eye all the time.

91. On a scale of 1-10 how funny would you say you are? -
About a 6 or 7.

92. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? -
Hopefully happy and in love.

93. What was your first job? -

94. If you could join any past or current music group which would you want to join? -
The Doors

95. How many languages do you speak? -
Only one - English.

96. What is your favourite family holiday tradition? -
Christmas is always the main one in our family besides birthdays.

97. Who is the most intelligent person you know? -
My dad - he will always be my first choice when it comes to anything trivia related.  He is like a sponge when it comes to information.

98. If you had to describe yourself as an animal which one would it be? -
My kids say I'm like a bear - hence mama bear.

99. What is one thing you will never do again? -
Allow anyone to manipulate or hurt me emotionally.

At last I have made it to the final Quesion!!

100. Who knows you the best? -
My children, parents and probably my cats.

Well that seemed like it took forever but it was fun!  And it's very late here so time for me to head to bed.

Until next time... Much love,

HummingBird x

Journal #4 - Thankful

Day was better today.

It's Sunday evening here and I'm reflecting on my day and thankful for my children, parents, select friends, my fur babies (cats) and of course now LJ.


I picked my eldest daughter up this morning and she came over to spend the day with myself and my youngest.  Was really good to chat with her and have a catch up about our week.  She has been so fantastic to talk to and confide in about how I'm feeling.  I am so  proud of the person she is becoming and at only 17 years of age is so bright and wise beyond her years.

Then I realise that I am a big part in why she is like that.  I have raised her pretty much on my own, her father has had a hand in helping out with finances but I'm the one that has wiped the tears and been there when life has not been so kind to her. 

Right at this very moment, I can feel proud of myself and what I have achieved with my children and all that bothers me at the moment seems so tiny in comparison.  This a good feeling.

I have also stepped back from FB today other than commenting on a video my daughter tagged me in.  I think sometimes social media is our worst enemy as well as ourselves.  But overall it has been a quiet contented day just the way I like it.

Until next time... Much love,

HummingBird x

Journal #3

It's Saturday afternoon here and I'm sitting in my "Home Office" a space I can call my own. I have my desk and laptop, printer, filing system, and some desk drawers which contain some loose pens and other stationery. My daughter knows to ask if she wants to enter because in the past I have had pens, paper etc going missing and when you are constantly refilling these items it can become quite expensive.

Firstly I just want to point out that if I don't get a chance to comment on everyone's entries I try to make a conscious effort of reading them. Still getting used to LJ and all its features. Today's first point of attack was adding a widget to my Account but have no idea what I'm doing so gave up on that one. I also want to join some other communities as well at some stage. Suggestions are absolutely welcome.

My dreams last night really startled me. I had a couple but one in particular had a figure with a likeness to "Leather-face" in Texas Chainsaw Massacre and I was going through what I call an obstacle course of stairs and ledges to get away from the creature. I woke very tired and startled around 4am but didn't want to go straight back to sleep in case I dreamed of that again. It scared the crap out of me. I try not to take too much from dreams as it could be nothing, but I feel like I'm trying to get away from how I'm feeling right now and maybe that was the connection I don't know.

As I said in an earlier post I have had several issues with family members including an uncle on my mum's side who is what I like to call "a loose cannon". I lost my nana back in April this year she was the first person I was close to that had passed. Unfortunately my anxiety had got in the way of me going to see her as it involved traveling in car for around 5 hours and I had not been able to do it until her funeral this year. Irony is a not so funny thing. Before she had passed she had asked my aunt that if anything was to happen to her that she didn't want anyone other than my aunt to pack her hospital bag. I was in full support of this because I know how funny I am even going through the supermarket checkout and the cashier asks to check my handbag. It's a privacy thing and our right as human beings. So after my nan had passed my uncle's girlfriend of only about 12 months was with my nan and packed her things without even asking any of my mum's family including my aunty what was to be done with the bag. Now I just want to add that I have not met this woman properly and if it was someone who had been in the family for years then so be it not an issue but this woman has not even tried to get on with the rest of the family and could not see an issue with what she did. My aunt confronted her and explained in a calm and tactful manner that she should have been the one to pack nan's bag not her. That was fair enough and not even the thing that has upset me. The funeral was scheduled for the Tuesday and due to work commitments I had to travel up on the Sunday afternoon with my dad and 12 year old daughter. My mum of course had taken the news of Nan passing really hard understandably so she had gone up a few days before us to be with my pa, my aunt and to assist with funeral arrangements which mum had said went really smoothly which surprised the hell out of me considering that my 2 x explosive uncles had also pitched in to help without fuss. Anyway so on the Monday after arriving I had traveled into town with my mum, dad, aunt and daughter to complete last minute funeral details and I had to decided to go with my mum to my Nana's viewing in the afternoon at 16:00pm. So we are on the way in the car and my uncle calls my aunt on her mobile phone and is asking (in his words) "what the fuck going on with? (his partner who I will name "Hooch"). My aunt was razzled by the phone call and stumbling her words explained her situation that she didn't appreciate "Hooch" packing up Nan's things as she wanted my aunt to do it. My uncle replied that he didn't appreciate his "Hooch" being spoken to like that and my aunt responded that she thought it was best to speak to her about how she was feeling rather than making a big thing about it and talking behind "Hooch's" back. Well unfortunately my uncle in calling had made a mountain out of a mole hill not my aunt. Emotions were already high due to the afternoons schedule of Nan's viewing and impending funeral and to rub salt into the wound, my uncle then asked my aunt to hand the phone to my mum and he then began demanding an explanation of what was going on from mum. My mum had no intention of getting involved; however did her best to keep the situation calm to no avail. My uncle is a walking time bomb he has always been like that but I certainly did not take kindly to the attack on either my mum nor aunt. Before my mum hung up I had asked for the phone, but mum and aunt both agreed to let it go. I did so but was so angry with him. When we arrived at our first destination in town my aunt got out of the car and immediately fell in my mums arms crying. I felt so hopeless for my aunt and angry at my uncle. Mum told me that the afternoon I was traveling up, my mum, aunt and my explosive uncle had gone to the local town hall where my Nan's funeral was to be held to set up. "Hooch" had also gone with my uncle; however when my mum had gestured and asked for "Hooch" to come along to help set up. Hooch replied no I'm not family I don't want to interfere. Mum explained that she wouldn't be but left it at that. The day of the funeral came and my "explosive" uncle was aggressive towards my mum, dad, aunt and pretty much everyone. He didn't even come up to chat to any of us and the "Hooch" just death stared everyone. They left the wake and didn't even come back to my grandfather's to spend time with his grieving father nor family. I was not impressed. We were also told that at the funeral "Hooch" had gone to hug my aunt and whispered in her ear "I have nothing to be sorry for". Unacceptable especially at my Nana's funeral.

Fast forward a week to that weekend when I was back home I went to my mum's to watch the dvd that my "loving and normal" uncle had done for the funeral with pics of Nan and music etc. I was scrolling Facebook at the time and saw a post my uncle had been tagged in from one of my distant cousins who I have no time for. I am not friends with my cousin; however I was able to see the post as I was FB friends with my uncle at the time. The "Hooch" was also tagged but I wasn't friends with her either at the time. Anyway the post went something like - "Big thank you to my amazing Uncle "Rod" and aunt "Hooch" for letting me stay with you the night of Nana's funeral" blah blah blah. At that exact moment I was fueled with rage and started typing "Hooch isn't my aunt nor is she a member of the family". I had no idea of what the consequences would be I didn't even care I felt so good typing it and making my feelings known. Right or Wrong it was done and I couldn't take it back. I immediately told mum what I had written and she responded well it's a public forum and if someone is going to post something you can voice your opinion. Within about half an hour my uncle had called my mum demanding what one of my uncles and aunt had been saying. I was like what? I thought he had rung to talk about the FB post as I was sure he would see it as he was tagged in it. But no not a mention just having a go at my mum AGAIN!! She had nothing to do with it but didn't stop him. My mum was getting quite flustered and her voice was shaking like she was about to lose it so I immediately stepped in and grabbed the phone. I said "Rod" what's going on?" He replied nothing. Emotions had taken over by this point and nothing was stopping me. I raised my voice "You and "Hooch" are making all of this about you. I don't want you to call my mum anymore about this I'm sick of it. If you do call my mum again I will go yah. You hear that I will go yah!!" I couldn't even believe what I saying. Anger and emotion had got the better of me but I was protecting my mum, what I thought was right at the time. My uncle then yelled down the phone before hanging up "STFU you disrespectful little bitch!" I was speechless. He was entitled to his opinion maybe I was disrespectful; however I was incapable of respecting someone like him. Especially someone who enabled his partner to be evil and spiteful. I have not apologized to this day nor have I had a discussion with my uncle regarding this even though we have been in the same room on one occasion. I don't want to and he has not apologised either so I just figured that we would move on. A few days after his daughter my cousin messaged me on FB declaring that she understands fully that I'm probably taking Nana's death hard but she thought to tell me that my FB comment about "Hooch" was inappropriate and immature and that I should apologize. I replied that I am no longer entering into any further comments regarding this and left it at that. Since then I have had one uncle support me, the other says he is disgusted with my uncle "Rod" for how he has been acting but still talks to him and keeps in touch. I feel that some of my family have the wrong idea about me and the situation. They say one thing then do another. It has gotten to the point that if I see a particular post on FB from family members that it's directed at me. They talk on each other's posts and tag one another and I'm left doing nothing other than thinking constantly. I have had no choice than to unfollow a few family's timelines just so it doesn't do my head in.

I know what I did probably wasn't ideal, but I have this tiger instinct in me to protect my parents especially my mother when I feel they are being attacked. I shouldn't take it personally but I do. I'm trying my hardest to change my ways but I still feel like some of the family members think I'm the worst human being in the world. It's hard not to think about it because it feels like it's there niggling at my brain.

And then my uncle "Rod" called my pa last week to tell him that "Hooch" has had a stroke. My aunt called my mum to tell her. Mum said that she finds it hard to believe my uncle and "Hooch" because it may be a way of trying to either make us feel bad or try to get sympathy. I can't bring myself to feel either I am just so over it all at the moment.

I have made the decision to step back from FB and certain family members for a while, tired of feeling like a criminal when there are two sides to this story but no just blame me. My family are the types of people that have done wrong in their past and we are all supposed to forget about it and move on. It's just so annoying. How do I move on from this? Or even try to not let it get to me?

Time will tell I guess.

Until next time... Much love,

HummingBird x

Journal #2 - Struggle

Today has been a bit of a struggle...

I find it hard to sleep pre-midnight these days. It's not that my mind is racing with thoughts (well not that I know of anyway), but I'm just not tired and cannot sleep.

About 3 years ago I began watching relaxing videos on Youtube to assist with getting me to sleep. The catch of this though is that I have to be tired for these videos to work.

I just feel very lethargic. I have been to the gym the last 2 days (I am on the heavier side) and I also purchased a bike (I have rode in a week - just no motivation) but it just seems to make me more tired. I eat fairly well and don't smoke or drink alcohol everyday and have always been a stockier girl compared to others; however it just frustrates me that some days I have absolutely no energy to do anything!!

I finished working full time in August of this year and am looking for a job with less hours. I enjoyed my previous job it was the managers that were the problem. I am certified in administration and found myself in 2014 desperately seeking a full time position in administration - I needed the money with 2 x children at home. So my recruitment agency called me one day in November last year to advise they had a job for me, but the only catch was that it was in a house.... where a couple ran their own business. At the time there were no other jobs going so after meeting the female partner of the business I spoke with my children and parents and decided to take it. There was another girl in the office I was working with and their were about 5 guys (servicemen) who would come and go from the house as we were a locksmith mobile based company. Basically customers would call us in the office we would take down the details, book the job and despatch a locksmith to complete a job. I fitted in really well and thoroughly enjoyed my work it was rewarding and the money was fantastic; however it wasn't all rainbows and candy canes.

The male partner of the company I met on first day and within an hour the couple were yelling and disagreeing on let's just say EVERYTHING!! It was extremely difficult to work whilst this was going on especially when you are on the phone to customers and they are having a screaming match in the background. The male partner had a few issues and my colleagues described it as bipolar and Asperger's Syndrome and this guy had never been to a doctor nor was on any form of medication. Crazy stuff I tell yah but again I enjoyed the work and the people (besides the managers) I worked with were great.

I ended up lasting nine months in that asylum, but after days, weeks and months of coming home feeling absolutely traumatized by the drama I was subjected to I made the decision to leave. No amount of money is worth putting up with that s#!*. I think that has played a major part in why I feel the way I do, it's a lot for anyone to put up with. Thankfully I was able to take something positive from the experience. I have made a couple of new friends from working there and we actually all left working there I always say we were the smart ones.

So back my earlier part of journal I am looking for a job with less hours and one that doesn't work from a house... Live and Learn I say.

But yes today has definitely been a struggle to say the least. I slept through my alarm this morning and my 12 year old forgot to set her clock too so I ended up just letting her have the day off.

And about 13:00pm this afternoon I felt tired so just hopped in bed to lay down for a minute. And that minute turned into waking up at 16:10pm! Not that I have anything to do or anywhere to go, but I would like to feel more motivated.

I find that I am more productive in the evening and do my laundry and chores then. Even though I'm still getting it all done regardless of what time it is, I don't want to get into a habit of all of this in case I find work with shifts during the day. I have always had my "days" where I feel like crap I think we all do, but right now the past few weeks I have noticed how more tired I am, I'm going to the supermarket at night, I'm struggling to wake in the morning and hitting that snooze button more often.

I took myself and my daughter to see my GP yesterday afternoon to explain briefly what I'm feeling and that I think it would be good to get a referral to see my psychologist who I will call "Betty" and she is fantastic. I have been seeing her off and on for about 4 years now. My 12 year old daughter sees her too. The only down side of having a great psychologist is the wait times. I booked in yesterday and the only time she is available at the moment is the 6-January-2016!! Alas "Betty" is well worth the wait!

And it's not that I'm sad or sitting around crying all the time, I just feel things have shifted for me and I don't want to get too used to this lifestyle.

Anyway that is enough for now.

Until next time... Much love,

Hummingbird x

Journal #1 - LJ Update

Slowly finding my way through LJ...

Have received some kind words and comments from some lovely folk which is great. To know people can sympathize or even empathize with you and your situation can be a godsend in a time when you need as much support as you can get.

My journal isn't going to be about politics or the newest scientific discovery... I've never been good at writing about a topic which I have no knowledge or understanding of just to be able to post a journal. No it's just going to be about me and my feelings. Plain and boring.

But I hope you can all come along with me on this journey and hopefully we can all get something out of this LJ experience.

I really do appreciate all the comments and friend adds, looking forward to posting more and sharing my world with you.

Much love,

Hummingbird x